I'm a goal person. A lot of people aren't, but I thrive on writing things down, and then working on them. So as a goal this year (different than a resolution), I want to be better about documentation. Whenever I tell my dad something funny Hannah did, he asks if I wrote it on my blog. Sadly, the previous post was from September...so if I don't start writing things down, I may never remember things like that really crappy week where Hannah pooped in the tub one day, then had an explosive diaper all over her crib the next and then Wesley missed the litter box the day after. Or how Hannah gives the sweetest bedtime kisses, but only to me. Or how Hannah is 14 months today. Words she says: uh-oh, up, mama, dada, Hannah, all done, moo (what does the cow say Hannah?), and she knows the sign for more and uses it very convincingly. She does tend to get what she wants when she asks for it so well. She has four molars that have come through over the past month, and I feel like we have both earned those teeth. That teething business is hard work. So Happy New Year. I have a good feeling about 2012, but then I generally prefer even years. Here's to more posts, even if they're short. Also, this year is going to be the year I buy a calendar. I always say it, but so far it hasn't happened.

What I've been thinking

I think I'm still a blogger.  I guess by posting this, I'm welcoming myself back into the blogosphere.

I used to blog at my desk at work, during my down time.  Then I quit my job to stay home with my favorite little baby, who is just not so little anymore.  Who is so busy emptying drawers, cupboards, baskets, eating cheerios, walking around furniture, taking one little half step out on her own, and crawling after me wherever I go.

My blog time plummeted, but my life satisfaction skyrocketed.  I regularly have over a hundred posts waiting for me in my google reader.  Sometimes I get it down to seventy or so.  Of course I have free time, but I also have laundry and dishes, and job hunting. Daniel is spending so much time focusing on school, so I've taken over the initial job applications for him.

When I left my job, I knew Daniel didn't have full time employment.  It was a huge leap of faith.   I expected things to go a little smoother on that front.  People say that babies bring blessings.  I don't doubt that, I just had hoped for a specific blessing.  When I quit my job, we had a savings account to hold us over for a while until his job came.  I guessed we'd have about four months worth of savings.

Hannah is now a few days shy of nine months, and that little savings account has lasted and lasted.  I'm continually reminded of the story in the Old Testament where the woman and her son were about to have their last meal and then they were going to die as a result of a famine in the land.  They ended up sharing their meager allotment with one of the Lord's Prophets, and they were sustained through their faith.  Their resources lasted and lasted.  They weren't living comfortably by any standards, and the famine raged on around them.  But they had looked death in the eye, clung to their faith, and they were blessed.

I know my situation isn't nearly as dramatic as that.  We have food to eat, a place to call home, and no fear of losing either.  Yes I'm frustrated.  It's so easy to be discouraged when the perfect interview doesn't lead to a job. It's easy to compare myself to others.  But these feelings aren't productive and they don't lead anywhere happy, so I try to focus on what we have.  The other day after two good interviews and no job offers I was feeling particularly frustrated.  While rocking Hannah with tears streaming down my face, I had the distinct impression that things will work out soon.  I don't know how, or what, or when. All I can do is trust that the Lord has not forgotten about us.  He know's we're having a hard time.  He knows what we need.  I know that we are already more blessed than most, and eventually we'll round a corner, and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.  It may be dim, but it will be there.

I don't know if Daniel will get a job, or if we'll end up with lots more student loans than we were anticipating.  I don't know the answers, but I do know that through a sustaining faith, things will work out.

So I'll agree with those that say babies bring blessings.  I've never been happier, than I am as Hannah's mother.  This is what I was born to do. So I keep doing it, and exercising faith that as I keep fulfilling my role as mother, the Lord will bless our little family and that our oil will not run out.

25

Tomorrow I turn 25.  Normally I love birthdays, and I look forward to turning a year older, but 24 was such a good year for me.  

So many things happened that were just wonderful.  Shall I list them? 

I started 24 pregnant and nauseous and loving it.

I went on a cruise up the pacific coast with my husband and parents and loved it.

I was pregnant all summer and...loved it!

I worked in a hot brick building with coworkers who sometimes drove me crazy (this one I didn't love so much!)

I gave birth, and LOVED it!

I became a mother and I'm loving it. (I know some would say this is the same as giving birth, I think there's a lot more to being a mother, than just giving birth)

I quit that job I didn't love so much and I stay at home with my baby, which is so much better.

I've lost ten pounds nursing that sweet little baby, and I'm loving that! (Think she'll let me nurse her till she's 2?)

Does 25 even stand a chance?

hmmm

I was going to post about something, but now I can't remember what it is.  So I'll share some thoughts.

I just spent 2 hours rocking/feeding Hannah to sleep.  She was getting really good at putting herself to sleep for a while, and then she got a cold.  All of our routines went out the window with that cold.  When I called the nurse, they said no medicine, just a vaporizer and extra feedings.  Those extra feedings turned into feeding her to sleep for a week and a half, so now we're back to square one.  At least once she finally falls asleep she's asleep for a good 8-9 hours...(here's to hoping I haven't jinxed myself tonight!)

Nursing is the best thing ever, except it gives me such a sweet tooth.  I am currently enjoying Daniel's mint chocolate ice cream from Christmas (with his permission of course).  I love the convenience of breast feeding.  I've never had to heat up a bottle or measure formula in the middle of the night. I love that she's getting immunity boosts from me, and I love that she has been such a healthy baby.  I also love that I'm losing weight nursing.  If I could find the motivation to actually add exercise to my routine, I might be able to make it to my pre-wedding weight... But then again, there's that sweet tooth, and a serious lack of self discipline.

I got my hair cut a couple of weeks ago. The lady I normally go to had a baby, so I figured I'd go with my mom to Fantastic Sam's and save a few dollars. Not really my brightest idea, and definitely not worth the money I saved..  The lady who cut my hair was nice and all, but it has taken me two weeks to figure out how to style it.  I ended up switching the side I part my hair on, and this has finally made my haircut work.  I take the same picture with me each time I get my hair cut, but it always looks different in the end.  I'm going to go ahead and stick with my original stylist, assuming she comes back from maternity leave. 

We've had snow the last couple of days, and I haven't wanted to interrupt Hannah's naps to go to play group or exercise group in the mornings, so I've been feeling really closed in...cabin fever if you will.  Tomorrow I will get out and about, I hope.

I've been trying to post more regularly.  I love reading over my old posts, and I want to make sure to document our daily lives, especially now we've got a little one.  If my mom had blogged when I was a baby, I'm sure I'd love reading it today.

I have all these post ideas floating around in my brain throughout the day, and when I sit down with my laptop in the evening, my mind goes blank. 

Who knows what I originally intended to post...I guess tonight, random is all you get.

a new hobby perhaps

A week ago I went to a beginning couponing class taught by these lovely ladies.  They gave tips, advice, and instruction, and it was just what I needed to get going.  Yesterday evening, our family of three headed out to target to make good on some deals they had alerted me to.  I got free dishwasher soap, and two pairs of jeans for cheap.  I'm not a pro-couponer yet, I don't even have a binder or very many coupons, but I'm headed that way.  I'm making a point to check the couponing blogs, I might even get a newspaper subscription and hopefully soon I'll get the hang of it.  I'm all about finding a bargain, and it seems like it could be a good hobby as well as help our budget go further.

Speaking of which (our budget, that is), Daniel is looking for a job.  Thankfully he has been doing some programming recently, but it's not full time or permanent.  He's looking for anything really, so if you have leads/ideas we're happy to hear them.  We're also willing to relocate if necessary, although it just might break Hannah's grandparents hearts...and mine too. 

I love Olympia.  I go through phases where I have a relocation fantasy.  The most recent is New York City (this one happens a lot).  I watched You've Got Mail twice last week.  My excuse is that both Hannah and I were sick, so it's ok to be lazy when you're sick.   In my fantasy I imagine we're moving somewhere.  I then wikipedia the location, go on craigslist, look at all the apartments on there and imagine what life would be like somewhere else.  Then I remember that I like only paying $750 in rent and having my parents five minutes away. 

Last night I had some tangerines kicking around from a bountiful basket I got the end of January and I juiced them by hand.  The sweet freshness of the juice kicked in my southern California fantasy (another favorite).  I could get used to fresh squeezed orange juice for breakfast...but for now it'll just be a day dream. 

Thankful

If you're tired of reading thankful posts, you should probably skip this one, because it's about as thankful as it gets.


Today I'm thankful more than ever for so many things.  At the top of my list is my family.  I'm so thankful for Daniel and our sweet little baby Hannah. I'm thankful for the baby spit on my shirts, the sleep deprivation, the messy diapers, the sweet little smiles while she's sleeping, her happy sighs after feedings, I'm thankful for all of it. 

A year ago, on Thanksgiving I began miscarrying my first pregnancy.  It was a devastating thing for me.  I felt abandoned, hopeless, and miserable.  Life carried on as usual but it took me a long time to feel happy again.  I would get home from work after holding back tears all day long, get in the shower and cry. Eventually time passed and I felt better each day, but I never forgot the sorrow I felt.

Now, a year later, I have a healthy, beautiful little baby girl.  I'm so grateful for Hannah, I can sincerely say she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Each day I feel like more of my selfishness is stripped away, and I become more of a mother, and more the kind of person I should be. 

Of course I'm not grateful for the miscarriage, but I am grateful for the perspective it has given me.  It made me look at pregnancy as a blessing.  I enjoyed being pregnant with Hannah.  I remember being thankful for the nausea because it meant things were going well, and each kick was reassuring.  It has also made me endlessly thankful for Hannah. I feel so blessed to have a healthy baby that's thriving.  I'm so grateful that that trial turned into a growth experience.  

Looking back over the last year, I'm grateful for the growing and stretching I've done, both physically and spiritually.  It has all lead me to this point, where I now sit with a sleepy little girl on my chest.  So on this day of Thanksgiving, where we all pause to think about what we're most thankful for, I'm truly thankful for my family, and the growing we've done to get here.

a lesson learned

Don't you just love it when things work out? 

On Monday evening, I had my first moment of panic about becoming a mother.  I'm not sure what set it off, but I was momentarily terrified and anxious.  I know that six and a half months into a pregnancy isn't the time to start second guessing ones decision to start a family, but I was nervous.  Daniel, calm as always, pointed out that nobody is ever really ready for a baby, and you make it work ready or not.  As true as his words were, they didn't help too much, and I still felt worried about all the prep work that hadn't been done. 

I was overwhelmed thinking about all the options and decisions that need to be made.  What will she sleep in, where will we put her, the list went on and on, eventually spiraling down to my potential ability (or lack thereof) to mother.  In my prayers that night I specifically asked to be blessed as I try to prepare to be a mother and that things will work out.

The next day I felt guilty about these negative thoughts, like somehow our baby would know that for one night, I was worried, that I questioned whether we had made the right decision.  It left me feeling shaken most of that day.  Like I was living in a fog.  I didn't like it.

On Tuesday, I set out to do what I do best when feeling unsettled.  I whipped out an excel spreadsheet and made a list of what I had determined to be baby essentials and their cost both new and used.  (Something about that excel page just puts my mind at ease...)     

On my list I had:
Bassinet/co-sleeper/cradle
Crib
Swing
Changing Table
Dresser

The next step in my plan was to take that list and try to visit some yard sales this weekend and see if anything came about, when my mom called me at work this morning.  She and my dad, (both work for the public schools and have summers off) had been out at a yard sale and found a crib, changing table and dresser all for $35 and they were in good condition and pretty new.  Even my used, low cost estimate for these items was at least four times that much.

After a couple cellphone pictures and phone calls exchanged Daniel and I made a quick decision that this is going to be the best deal we'll find, and that we'd be crazy not to snatch it up.  Yes, the crib set is white, and we'd been looking at a cherry/espresso finish, but that doesn't really matter.  Heavenly Father knew I was worried about being prepared, about finding a good deal, about getting these little details figured out, and he prepared a way. 

I'm trying to be better about acknowledging His hand in my life.  Seeing that He actively guides me and watches out for me, and this was a perfect example of that.  I'm grateful for this experience and grateful that my parents were in the right place at the right time looking out for me.

I love it when things work out. 

everything's gonna be alright now, everything's gonna be alright...

Today I saw the most beautiful rainbow. The colors were so vivid and bright. I don't recall ever seeing a rainbow quite like that before, it made me think that if Heavenly Father can use a rainbow to promise Noah that everything will be alright, I think he can do the same for me. Of course I don't know how my life will turn out, but I really trust that everything will be okay. Life has a way of working out. The sun breaks through the clouds and the light shines brighter than the dark. Sometimes, it even makes a beautiful rainbow.



By the way, book club was good. The dessert turned out fine and there were enough chairs for everybody!


I love it when I type a post, check the spelling and it says "No misspellings found"

Thoughts

I am so grateful for the birth of the Savior, for many reasons this Christmas season. I think it means more this year in light of the recent events. I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to look to Him for hope. To have the comfort of knowing He has felt the things I feel. To know that His life gives me peace.

Time continues on. There's no way to speed it up or slow it down. Somehow it's inevitable. I hope that next year I'll be able to look back and realize what a difference a year makes.

Family is wonderful. We had Christmas day with my whole family this year. It was so nice to have everybody home and happy. I love each of my siblings and the unique talents and personalities they bring to the family.

Daniel and I have a good marriage. We may not always see eye to eye, but we have fun learning, growing, and loving. I'm grateful for his companionship, love and support.

I'm looking forward to spring. I know it has only been winter for a week (technically), but I'm already looking forward to the buds on trees, flowers, and fresh air.

Now that Christmas is over, I'm ready for a new year. New goals. New opportunities. New experiences. 2009 was a good year. It had definite ups and downs, but I enjoyed the year. I have a feeling 2010 will be even better.